Dear Struggling Writers,
You will never be published because you are not rich and famous. I don’t mean to break your heart, but the truth is like a jailhouse shank.
You have talent (in buckets) and ambition (or at least you like to blog). So why hasn’t one of your hastily typed out manuscripts been scooped up? Because you don’t have access to Oprah and Good Morning America! Duh!
(Alternative: Get your manuscript on a shelf at Osama’s mansion. The media will then spend days getting experts to analyse every blurry word. So, Nathan Bransford will be calling you.)
So you’ll never be published. As a balm for your deep pain, I suggest crafting with celebrities.
- Get a copy of one of Marie’s books. No need to purchase. If you don’t have one that you’re looking to get rid of, call a neighbor, or ask on Facebook. Or look in the trash can of your local library.
- Fold an origami cup.
- Add decorative milk jug ring, or any other debris from your kitchen counter.
- Now you have several options. You could mail a cup to Marie. She’ll probably want to add them to her QVC products list (see, being rejected by publishers because you are not famous can make you rich in the end). Or you could fill your paper cup with water and display garden flowers in it for a few minutes until the cup melts. And then you could mail it to Marie.
M. Guppy Tulkinghorn
Dr. Tulkinghorn’s new book, “Crafting With Unspeakably Awful Celebrity Memoirs -- Don’t Let The Paper Go To Waste,” will be available on QVC this week. So if you are one of those sad, homely women with a lot of cats and no friends and huge credit card debt who frequent that channel, then stay tuned! If you are serious about becoming a writer, Dr. Tulkinghorn has three pieces of free advice to help you become a celebrity, so you can get published, dear pumpkin-bumpkins: 1) Put one of your children in a large balloon and call CNN. 2) Hang out with Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen. 3) Throw copies of your manuscript at the Rolls Royce of Kate and Prince Whatsisbucket at their huge televised wedding. M. Guppy Tulkinghorn is married to his wife, Wopsie “Miggs” Tulkinghorn. They live in Middle America.