How To Get An Agent!!!!!!!!

(Hello readers, this is Caleb. Dr. Tulkinghorn has taken a moment away from his book tour to set us right on how to catch the attention of agents. Take it away, Dr. Tulkinghorn!)

Dear Struggling Writers,

You will probably never be published, you dim beets. Why do you keep reading this blog?

Still here? Oy!

Here are my three key advices:

-- In the olden days (late 1990s), sending a manuscript on perfumed paper was enough. But now everyone takes manuscripts via email. What to do? Get creative! “Dear Agent, before reading my hastily scribbled query, please inhale deeply and imagine this email is scented with a perfume endorsed by a major celebrity of your choice."

-- Agents don’t care about your wilting-souffle plot ideas and monotone-on-paper voicing. What they really want to know is, have you tested your manuscript? “Dear Agent, you’d be a Cornish hen -- a fool I say! -- to turn down my YA manuscript!!! It’s written in a second grade voice with 100-plus syllable sentences and a protagonist who is 11! I testify that it will rival J.K. Rowling because I read it to my granddaughter one night and then hugged her tightly until she gasped that it was good!”

-- Finally, readers, no one will tell you this but me, your one true mentor. Getting an agent has NOTHING to do with talent. It’s who you know, stu-pit!. You MUST write at least one nationally published author each week, begging (if she is a woman) or demanding (if he is manly) that they send your manuscript to their agent. This is the way business is done!

Now, readers, I’ve had a trying day. I’ve been vexed by autograph seekers at my hotel, and one of my personal assistants quit, claiming I’m “high maintenance." My daily foot massages are medically necessary, dammit! Who needs employees? Pish! 

Annnnyway, practice what I preach, and I’ll be around again with more key advices for you just as soon as my schedule allows. And if you know of anyone with a servile nature and muscular fingers, text me their resume with photo.

M. Guppy Tulkinghorn

Dr. Tulkinghorn’s new book, “The Joy of Suffering Morons Gladly” will be available as a ground-breaking audio-only book this week. This is because everyone knows that print books have already flat-lined, and soon audio books will be the only thing anyone ever buys -- get your damned iPods spit-shined and ready. Besides, Dr. Tulkinghorn did the audio version himself, recording it on a $13 Indonesian digital voice recorder during long nights in first class. The result is a bon vivante mix of shocking, cozy, grumpy, and a couple other dwarves. Download it NOW from*!!!! Guppy, as he is known to close, close friends, will be doing author appearances this week in New York City, Park City, and Emerald City. M. Guppy Tulkinghorn is married to his wife, Wopsie “Miggs” Tulkinghorn. They live in Middle America, where they value their privacy and their collection of antique, yet quite serviceable, guns.

*Aubible is a quasi-French-religious upstart determined to overthrow the dominance of in the online marketplace. Tulkinghorn was an early investor.


  1. Thus is one of my fave segments. Tulkinghorn's bio is freaking cool. My fave part is "Dr. Tulkinghorn did the audio version himself, recording it on a $13 Indonesian digital voice recorder during long nights in first class."